Tag Archives: super bowl

Grocery Shoppers: An Analysis


The Super Bowl is this Sunday, and even if you don’t car a whit because the 49ers aren’t in it (sniff…) everyone should be extra cautious with their decisions about grocery shopping over the next few days. Seriously, if you don’t need deli meats or soda, DON’T go down those aisles. They’ll be filled with people wearing oversized jerseys and ugly slide sandals. But really, if you’re a parent, you always have to strategize about shopping. When you choose to go to the store can mean the difference between zipping through with your smartphone list, or banging your head on a germ-filled cart as you wait in line behind the lady who is sure those Lipton iced teas were a two-for-one.

So that you may shop at the best time for your personality, I give you “Who Goes Shopping When.”

Who Goes Shopping When:

  • Friday morning – Stay-at-home moms; old ladies paying with checks.
  • Friday afternoon – Harried parents who realized there’s nothing in the fridge and whose kids are pissed off to be shopping after a long week at school.
  • Friday night – Teenagers inappropriately dressed for winter; men who might be homeless.
  • Saturday morning – Dads and their kids, ruthlessly kicked out of the house by mom; oenophiles prepping for their dinner party tonight.
  • Saturday afternoon – Leisurely childless couples.
  • Saturday night – Partiers buying liquor; dateless singles buying the single-serving mini bottles of wine and a prepared stuffed chicken breast; defeated men buying tampons.
  • Sunday morning – Extremely efficient moms who follow the exact same path through the store each week; heathens.
  • Sunday midday – The people who were in church this morning, wearing their finery.
  • Sunday afternoon – People with no sense of urgency who park in the middle of the aisle trying to think of what they want; moms who think shopping should be a family experience; couples married more than five years who bicker over pasta brands.

Good luck, and good Super Bowl.

The Super Bowl Will Make Your Child a Terrorist. Or a Nudist. One of those.


Case in Point: Left alone to stir brownie batter.

The Super Bowl is Sunday. And this presents a rare opportunity for children to cause trouble. All the parents will be busy for the same four-hour period. I mean, I don’t even know who is playing, but I’m definitely watching, and eating lots of salsa. And guacamole. Yum. And you will, too. A lot of people will go to parties, some will watch at home, but however you cut it, just about every adult in America will be consumed by TV and Doritos. Not a single person will care what the kids are doing. It’s like the moment in the movie when the guards change shifts and the security cameras go down for routine maintenance at the same time.

And this, my friends, is the perfect opportunity for a baby prison break.

If you have teenagers, God help you because they already know what’s up. But if you have younger kids, the first hour might be okay. The kids will spend that time going through the five stages of grief/abandonment. You’ll know they’ve hit “bargaining” when you start hearing “Dad. Dad. Dad. DAD. DAD. DAD. MOM. Mom. MOM. MOMMOMMOMMOMMOM.” If you do not respond–and of course you won’t because we need a tiny wiener platter refilled and that one team is about to score–the kids will quickly move to “acceptance” and then the real mess begins.

Babies will schmeer walls with, well, NOT guacamole. Toddlers will feed the dog all the tiny wieners, then run when he barfs them all up on your carpet. Preschoolers will call whoever is on your speed dial. Older kids will alter the chore chart and give themselves massive allowance raises. Actually I don’t know what the older kids will do, I’m just pretty sure that’s what Sally will do in a few years. In any event, they’ll go power crazy. They’re alone! They rule the world, FINALLY. So they’re going to decorate your boring bathroom with purple crayon. They’re going to experiment and see if dolls other than Baby Alive can pee if they drench them with orange juice. They’re going to lock younger siblings in confined spaces. They’re going to take their clothes off. And dance in front of the TV. During the halftime commercials.

So beware, parents. I’m not saying you need to pay attention to your kids this Sunday, just accept the situation and be thankful they can’t all coordinate on Twitter to lead a revolution: Lock the front door; have a first aid kit ready; and be prepared to clean up the trail of sugar they made to lead the ants to the pantry. Happy Super Bowl!