April Fools’ Diaphragm Workout


I come from a long line of people for whom April Fools’ Day is practically a national holiday. By “long line” I mean my mom. And over the years, I’ve gotten some people GOOD. Like the year I probably should have been fired for the joke I played on my boss. Or the time I told people the Mr. and I were splitting, and they believed it. Apparently our marriage looks pretty shoddy from the outside. Good times.

My sister suggested today that I tell Mr. Embee I was pregnant. I considered it, but then thought about how I would explain his heart attack and subsequent death to the authorities, and how I might conceivably be accused of murder for telling him something that I knew full well would stop his organs.

So I didn’t really get anyone this year. OH WAIT. Except when I said “Hey Sally, you’ve got a flower on your head. April Fools’!” It was hilarious.  She was way into the joke thing this year. And I had to laugh every time. At the dentist: “Mommy, you forgot your shirt! April Fools’!” At home: “Mommy, you have bugs in your teeth! April Fools’!” You really have to have your fake laugh down by age 4, because this is your life. If you haven’t perfected it, here’s the algorithm. Formula. Whatever, here’s how to handle it:

Joke is told: if you are unsure which part was the joke, it’s the part that could also be attributed to a brain bleed — ie, “Why did the chicken cross the road? A refrigerator!”

You react: Gasp slightly and furrow eyebrows in “genuine” attempt to solve the riddle or, for example, understand how a bee could have gotten into your hiney without you realizing it. They move to the “shocked and awed” look, also known as the “Awwwwh, you GOT ME!” look. Then laugh. From the diaphragm. They can tell when you’re just chuckling to appease people.

Extra credit moves: Wipe a fake tear from your eye. Repeat the punchline while shaking you’re head (“A slide elevator cat. Oh man, that’s good.”) Sigh, “Whooooeeee!”

Good luck. Oh, and there’s a a bunny in your wine glass. April Fools’. Ha.

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4 responses to “April Fools’ Diaphragm Workout

  1. Hah! I thought diaphragm workout meant you were going to tell the Mr. He wasn’t getting any, then surprise him…thereby giving your diaphragm a workout.

    • Shelby, once there are kids involved, the joke would be saying he IS getting some. 🙂 April Fools’, honey, I’m going to be at 9:30 and I didn’t shave my legs today!

  2. I just found your blog today and what a coincedence. My 4 yr old has just discovered Knock Knock jokes where she just rambles off three random objects. Grandma thinks they’re hilarious. I’m stuggling to keep up on the laughs.

  3. April fools jokes always crack me up. My most successful joke was the time I put a memo on my boss’s desk, saying that Amanda Rhyn wanted him to call. The phone number on the memo was for the local greengrocers. So he rings and asks to speak to a Mandarin.

    No, I didn’t get a promotion that year. But it was worth it.

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