The Super Bowl Will Make Your Child a Terrorist. Or a Nudist. One of those.

Case in Point: Left alone to stir brownie batter.

The Super Bowl is Sunday. And this presents a rare opportunity for children to cause trouble. All the parents will be busy for the same four-hour period. I mean, I don’t even know who is playing, but I’m definitely watching, and eating lots of salsa. And guacamole. Yum. And you will, too. A lot of people will go to parties, some will watch at home, but however you cut it, just about every adult in America will be consumed by TV and Doritos. Not a single person will care what the kids are doing. It’s like the moment in the movie when the guards change shifts and the security cameras go down for routine maintenance at the same time.

And this, my friends, is the perfect opportunity for a baby prison break.

If you have teenagers, God help you because they already know what’s up. But if you have younger kids, the first hour might be okay. The kids will spend that time going through the five stages of grief/abandonment. You’ll know they’ve hit “bargaining” when you start hearing “Dad. Dad. Dad. DAD. DAD. DAD. MOM. Mom. MOM. MOMMOMMOMMOMMOM.” If you do not respond–and of course you won’t because we need a tiny wiener platter refilled and that one team is about to score–the kids will quickly move to “acceptance” and then the real mess begins.

Babies will schmeer walls with, well, NOT guacamole. Toddlers will feed the dog all the tiny wieners, then run when he barfs them all up on your carpet. Preschoolers will call whoever is on your speed dial. Older kids will alter the chore chart and give themselves massive allowance raises. Actually I don’t know what the older kids will do, I’m just pretty sure that’s what Sally will do in a few years. In any event, they’ll go power crazy. They’re alone! They rule the world, FINALLY. So they’re going to decorate your boring bathroom with purple crayon. They’re going to experiment and see if dolls other than Baby Alive can pee if they drench them with orange juice. They’re going to lock younger siblings in confined spaces. They’re going to take their clothes off. And dance in front of the TV. During the halftime commercials.

So beware, parents. I’m not saying you need to pay attention to your kids this Sunday, just accept the situation and be thankful they can’t all coordinate on Twitter to lead a revolution: Lock the front door; have a first aid kit ready; and be prepared to clean up the trail of sugar they made to lead the ants to the pantry. Happy Super Bowl!


7 responses to “The Super Bowl Will Make Your Child a Terrorist. Or a Nudist. One of those.

  1. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

  2. I think I may need to stop reading your blog. The sneak preview into our future is Not pretty! Ah well, looking forward to watching this year with our still containable 1 year old 🙂

  3. We turned our backs for 60 seconds after bathtime last night, and I heard an “uh-oh” coming from the next room. Our darling boy had squatted down and left a neat “pile” on the floor (upside: may be ready for potty training). And that was 60 seconds, I can’t imagine what 4 hours will look like!

  4. This is a frickin GEM!!!!!!! Thanks for the laughs. I am so familiar with these stages of grief and abandonment…and then the utter euphoria upon realizing they are finally in charge. With no annoying interruptions!

  5. Toddlers are easy. Line your walls in velcro. Dress your toddler in a babygro suit. Stick him to the velcro wall.

    Preschoolers are also easy. Empty your wardrobe. Leave the wardrobe door open. Start a game of hide & seek five minutes before kickoff. Lock the wardrobe door as soon as your preschooler gets in there.

    Older children are the easiest of all, thanks to Nintendo. For those with no Playstation (or Xbox), let them have unsupervised access to your computer. Just remember to hide your credit cards before the game, and change ALL your passwords afterwards. Also, you may have to give that birds & bees talk a little earlier than planned.

    Of course, this will probably result in your children running away from home at the age of 15, on the advice of their therapist.

    Nope. Not seeing any down side to this at all.

  6. I’m 13… My parents watch the super bowl all the time! I also want to join the marines. So god help you if you call me a terrorist and for the nudist part… I’m 100% sure we need to wear uniformes in the usmc. So I just disproved both of your statements.

    • Your parents should stop watching so much football and teach you to read more than just the headline of a story. If you read the whole thing you’d see that’s not at all what I’m saying. Good luck with things.

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