Not Now Honey, Barbie Needs Her Margarita


I wanted to do a post about Barbie, because at Christmas Sally got her first set of double-Ds, and I felt weird about it and wanted to talk it through. So I thought, and thought, and the more I thought, the more confused I got about the whole thing. Is she good or evil? Is she teaching my kid to want a hot bod? (Sally WAS very excited that Barbie had “all the parts.”) And if so, is that all bad? I mean, I want a hot bod! Maybe Sally will be motivated to get a hot bod when she’s 33 instead of just talk about them.

And for goodness sake, we own astronaut Barbie. She’s a highly educated and professional woman. Who wears heels in space, but that’s her prerogative. Anyway, I’ve decided Barbie is okay. At her core, she’s got a pencil-sized waist a toy that doesn’t beep, sing the ABCs or scream “LET’S PLAY A GAME!” after you leave her alone for 30 seconds. She’s a simple doll. Sally has to use her imagination to come up with scenarios for her. And Sally’s scenarios are pretty awesome.

The real problem with Barbie . . . is the margaritas.

Our Barbie and Ken live in a Mattel beach vacation house. This house is puh-ritty cool. There’s a chandelier. There’s a big screen TV. There’s an adorable pink and purple kitchen where Ken makes pancakes every morning, and a shower he can barely squeeze his impossibly hard body into. Delicious. …The pancakes! Stop it. (wink)

But when Barbie gets thirsty, what has Mattel given her? A blender and two margarita glasses. WHAT?! So, okay, first of all, SO wrong. My 4-year-old is playing house and we’re gonna get everyone liquored up? After I’ve spent time hunting down wholesome handmade Barbie outfits so that she doesn’t look like a cheaper version of a Jersey Shore girl?

Ah, the pre-baby days.

Second, the margaritas (don’t worry, I told Sally they were smoothies) really, really mess up Barbie’s judgement. She met Ken randomly one night and just because the guy was in a tux, she was all leaning into him and blurting out “Lez get married and have babies!”

Ken’s nothing if not smooth, so he was like “Sure sweet thang, whatever you want.” Little did he know Sally had the authority to marry them ON THE SPOT. Short ceremony, too, consisting of: “You may kiss the bride!” [kiss] “Oh no, my baby is coming out!”

You tell me with a straight face that KEN is the dad.

And then Barbie immediately gave birth to Strawberry Shortcake. Who, A) should have those cankles looked at, and B) has red hair and doesn’t look a thing like Ken. I don’t want to break up a home or anything, but I’m just saying, Ken’s best friend is a redhead, and with all the tequila banana smoothie flowing in that house, I’m suspicious.

Then it’s time for Ken to go to work and Strawberry to go to school because Barbie can’t deal. Ken asks if SHE is going to work, too, and she always says, “No, I’m just going to stay home.” And eat the bowl of Doritos provided by Mattel. AND DRINK SMOOTHIES. Ken has to do drop-off and pick-up for a kid who’s probably not even his; go to work; replace light bulbs; and fix the stairs in a beach house they totally cannot afford on one salary–and the man still makes pancakes every morning. I’m not going to get into what all this will eventually do to Barbie’s slowing mommy metabolism. Anyhow, Barbie is content to dry her hair; go potty; move the furniture around; and make sure Ken is staying in his own bed at night.

And drink smoothies.

Is Barbie twisting my child’s brain? I think she was just born that way. Is she ruining Sally’s life? I don’t know, Sally seems to have figured out how to get a man to do everything so she can kick back, which is more than most of us ever accomplish. Plus, I’m pretty sure this blog will ruin her life way before Barbie’s size zero body does.

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13 responses to “Not Now Honey, Barbie Needs Her Margarita

  1. Ummm…I’m just saying, that’s a good life Barbie!

    • What’s going to happen when Ken goes to Mattel heaven? Will Barbie know how to make her own “smoothies?” I hope she knows, there’s never ever any such thing as a “free lunch.” I hope she takes out an excellent life insurance policy. Refer to the Colonial Penn “lunch ladies” commercial. πŸ™‚

  2. OMG! Love this post! I want to be Barbie and drink smoothies, and have Ken take Shortcake to and from…

    Ahhh, life at the dream house…

  3. Thank god for the quiet toys eh?

  4. I think you should hand-sew those Barbie clothes yourself πŸ˜‰

  5. Wait… who is making the margaritas? Does Beach House Slacker Barbie know how to operate the blender? Is Ken making the margaritas FOR Barbie? There may be more to this story…

  6. Hillarious

  7. You are awesome! I am starting to miss the Barbie days now that my oldest kid is totally into the “so-and-so is crushing on so-and-so” days while my younger one only wants to play “school” all day long. Really? School? I’m so tired of taking math tests already. Great post.

    – Emily

  8. Astronaut Barbie is just sitting on her duff all day? Go explore space and walk on the moon!

    • Yeah, I should clarify — we HAVE astronaut Barbie, and she is often out on important (and childless) adventures. Toy Story 3 Barbie is the lazy one. “Auntie Astronaut” often babysits which Ken and Barbie get away for the weekend, though.

    • Some days, I feel like astronaut Barbie and am on top of the world. πŸ˜‰

  9. It could be worse, Summer. What if Sally had Bratz dolls? Not only would you be up for ski vacations, matching outfits for the cat, and electric guitars, you’d also have to fork out for the podiatrist when Sally tries to rip her own feet off.

  10. I wanna wish your Barbie and yourself – a Happy National Margarita Day 2011 πŸ™‚ Have Fun and a lot of Margaritas for you and your Barbie πŸ˜€

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