When I Win $330 Million


As I’m sure you know, there’s a big ol’ pot of money going out to some lucky person tonight. The Safeway employees in my neighborhood assume it’s them, which is what they assume every time. But it started me thinking, as I racked up a grocery bill for preschool Kwanzaa-colored fruit salad materials, how would $330 million change my life as a parent? Well, since you asked…

Don’t worry, I’d still keep up the blog. In fact, it’d probably become a daily because I’d immediately quit my job. Scratch that, I’d let them throw me a party, then I’d do a little MC Hammer “you can’t touch this” and throw bills in the air as I leave the building. My boss won’t hate me, though, because I’ll leave her a check for a few mill so she can quit, too.

Go ahead, use one of my tissues. There's plenty more where that came from.

So, pesky job out of the way, I’m now a stinky rich stay-at-home mom. What to do? Anything I want! I think I’ll have another kid. It’s no bother, because I have the weekday nanny, the weekend nanny and the night nurse to help out. Mr. Embee won’t have much time for diapers because he’ll be playing in his man cave — an actual cave I’ll have constructed on our (new) property that has a go kart track around it. And *I* won’t have time for diapers and such because I’ll be wrapping gifts. In my gift-wrapping room. Further, it won’t be a problem having as many kids as I like because the trainer, chef and stylist will keep me looking great.

My readership would likely change, though. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I’m guessing most of you aren’t made of money. Me either, but I’ll have a guest bathroom that is wallpapered with it. And my blog posts will be full of things like “I can’t believe Sally lost her diamond tennis bracelet, AGAIN. Guess we’ll have to buy a bigger one next time! LOL!” The riff raff Some people might not identify.

Since I’ll have no job and basically no parenting duties, I’ll have manicured nails. And go to charitable events. Actually maybe I can send a nanny to those. That way I can watch TV and the pool boy, and the Mr. driving his go karts around. Don’t worry, though, I’ll make time for important things like five-course family dinners, which will lead to more great parenting blog posts about how my picky preschooler won’t eat any caviar at all unless the butler spoon feeds it to her. So spoiled. I mean, what would she do if we only had $100 million?

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11 responses to “When I Win $330 Million

  1. Good ideas

  2. Great New Year fantasy! Mine always involves lots of sports cars kept in a brightly lit climate controlled garage.

    By the way, I love how the automatically generated “Possibly related posts:” today include “Pot smoking can worsen schizophrenia”

  3. Will you wrap up a personal chef and live-in maid for me… in that gift wrapping room of yours?

  4. Interesting plans… 330 million. Almost too big to think about really but I’m sure given time I could plan something.

    Would said pool boy be young and terribly handsome?

    Silly question!

    M

    • There is no amount of money too big to think about.

      And yes, the pool boy will be young, handsome, and most importantly, mute. I don’t need another meaningful relationship.

  5. My Mr. Wants a man cave and go kart track so I hope you don’t win or at least throw down a buck or two towards the cause or he will be applying to be your pool boy. Come to think of it, I hope you do win and can tolerate my riff raff a55 hanging out by your pool. 😉

    • Shelby, we have two guest cottages (two-bed, tw0-bath, decorated thematically…one beach themed, one Italian villa), so come over whenever you want.

  6. EVERY man wants a man cave and a go kart track, Shelby.

  7. Oh…I was going to say I wanted a Man-Track, and a Go-Kart Cave…
    No wonder I can’t get my life in gear.

  8. I love this one! LOL

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