Toys for Idiotic Tots

It’s Christmastime again, and now that Sally is 4, we really think she’s old enough to get the whole “tis better to give than to receive” mumbo jumbo. This is really our way of getting her to dispose of old toys. It’s not working. The instant she finds some ancient teething toy she hasn’t laid eyes on since she was nine months old, she falls in love with it again, claims she has vivid memories of wonderful times with the toy, and puts it in an alarmed museum case.

We also tried Toys for Tots. The Mr. expertly selected a girl from his office’s toy drive who was 4 (like Sally) and wanted a doll (that Sally would like). She was okay with that. A little miffed at shopping for someone other than herself, but okay. It’s not like we had to buy the girl shoes or anything. But I made an error. I told her “we’re like Santa’s helpers, getting a gift for a child who doesn’t have many toys.”

Oh man. Santa’s helper?! That’s like the awesomest job EVER. So Sally took two chopsticks from the local sushi house, tied some yarn around it, and declared: “I am Santa’s helper. This will be a great toy for some poor little child who doesn’t have many things to play with.” Behold:

First sign of a bad toy: The manufacturer writes on it (as she has here), "To play with and open up."

Now, to be absolutely fair, her first idea was to transform the chopsticks into a cuddly pirate doll. But since I, failure to all Motherhood, STILL cannot sew; and since neither Sally nor I possess Santa-like ninja magic, I had to squelch that dream. She was like, ‘fine, I’ll figure something out on my own, you useless excuse for a mom,’ and created this beauty. When I appeared confused and asked what it was, she said: “It’s a toy. Some kids have NO TOYS. They’ll be HAPPY to have this. They can do . . . stuff with it.”

So, unfortunately she has somehow tied together a lack of toys with a total lack of brain cells. Hey kids, here’s my old, stained tupperware! I’ll even throw in some expired pregnancy tests! Merry Christmas!

“Um. Sally. Don’t you think the kids would like to have a real toy, like something YOU’D enjoy?”


“Mommy. This is a very nice, real toy. I MADE this toy. I am Santa’s helper. SANTA’S. HELPER.”

Can’t argue with that. I’ve said I will take the toy down to Toys for Tots. I think if I bury it at the bottom of the garbage heap I’ll get away with it.

**I’m taking some official unpaid vacation from my unpaid blogging gig. See you all in 2011. Happy holidays!**


2 responses to “Toys for Idiotic Tots

  1. I think this falls under “It’s the thought that counts!”

  2. that is absolutely hilarious.

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