What do you do when you’ve achieved a point in your home where you no longer have to deal with anyone’s poop? You get cats, so that every day for the next 17 years you will be able to scoop something’s feces.
For about a year, Sally has been asking for a pet. Mr. Embee and I have never had pets together because, as we like to say, we’re not responsible enough. But with all the high-pitched pestering going on, we finally started looking into it, and it seemed the best choice for us was a cat. People tried to calm our fears of pet ownership with boring tales of companionship and love. One person even told me taking care of a feline is nothing, “it’s like owning a plant.” Really? Perhaps you are not familiar with my work:
So just in case we accidentally forget to water one, we got a backup. Meet Bert and Ernie. These poor little discriminated-against black kitties (Seriously, we’re pretty much the Brangelina of cat adoption) were said to have the cutest most bestest personalities EVER. So we let Sally meet them, and there’s really no going back after you let your kid see the potential pets.
I try to keep something of a wall between myself and all living beings, but gosh darned it if these guys aren’t weird enough to make me like them. For example, Bert enjoys tea parties with Sally. Ernie is more of a Hungry Hungry Hippos kind of guy. They partake in our bedtime story routine. They allow a nearly-4-year-old to drag them around, no questions asked. They’re pretty perfect. And they’re going to be with us for a long. long. long time, so I had a talk with them to lay down the ground rules:
I’m the mom. I’ll be the enforcer in your lives. First and foremost, no cats on eating or food preparation surfaces. Violation of this rule will result in the mom clapping her hands fervently and yelling things like “NONONONONO!” That guy over there, that’s the dad. He’s awesome for playing and petting, but since pooh makes him gag, I’ll be doing your clean-up. You’ll know when that’s happening because I’ll mutter how revolting you both are while trying not to breathe through my nose. And finally, the girl. She’s loud and insistent, and YES, she will get totally pissed off when you carry around her fairy dolls like a prized dead dragonfly. What she’s looking for in a pet is basically a dog/Pillow Pet, so good luck with that. Keep in mind the only reason you are here is that she wanted you. I’m just the moron who gave in.