Craptastic Crafts

Someday very soon, my daughter is going to realize that I really, truly am horrid at making things. Or more specifically, at following direction. They’re related. But mercifully, that day has not yet come and together Sally and I have created a masterpiece. You’ve seen some of my past efforts — sandwich boards, paper dolls. But this latest is special.

You see, Sally, oh Sally, she wants to sew. She thinks being able to MAKE things is awe-inspiring. So I Googled “sewing projects for preschoolers” — partly because she is a preschooler, but also because that’s honestly where my skill-level resides.

Google, the all-knowing computo-god, tells me to make The No-Sew Fleece Blanket. The instructions clearly state that if I cannot accomplish this craft I am the biggest moron on the planet. This is excellent because despite my Type A personality, I have a tendency to think I’m a bit above instructions and then go down in a ball of flames. This being the simplest “sewing” project known to man, even I can’t screw it up. Sally is ecstatic and clawing at the front door to go and purchase fabric. I try to look like an old pro as we swagger down the aisles looking for fleece in August. But just as we find it, Sally also finds some super-soft baby blanket material. Just like the ones she has FIVE blankets made out of at home. The kind of material that makes her use only her left hand for eating so that her right hand can remain clean to “soft” her blankie later. So while Sally shimmies her little body luxuriously between reams (they’re probably not called reams) of the stuff, I do what I always do: figure I’m intelligent and I can make this thing that is IN DIRECT DEFIANCE OF THE INSTRUCTIONS work. Sure! No problem. I went to Stanford, people. This is a project for three-year-olds, (getting way full of myself and sarcastic now) I think I can handle it. No-sew fleece blanket? Try no-sew Summer is AWESOME and can do it with her eyes closed and the wrong fabric blanket!

We get our selection home and I start to cut and measure, often in that order. I mean really, it’s just a blanket, it’s not like it has be be exact! Sally gets bored because even though this project doesn’t involve sewing, it does involve making knots and I’ve forgotten she can’t yet tie her shoes. So she ends up coloring under the dining room table. Behold:

I finished the blanket. Incidentally, one of the many reasons the super-soft microfleece DOES NOT WORK in no-sew projects is that the cut ends shed like a dog undergoing chemo. It may also have helped if I had measured and cut with a teensy bit more precision. Eh, hindsight.

Never fear, though. Sally loves the result. It’s soft. It’s huge. It’s . . . oddly non-rectangular, like a fitted sheet . . . Yep, there you have it: I’ve made a giant diaphragm.


13 responses to “Craptastic Crafts

  1. “shed like a dog undergoing chemo”….love it

  2. You are one funny chickie!!!

  3. I am laughing so hard I’m crying! My only semi-successful sewing project was a blanket, also a bit abstract in size, but this one takes the cake! Awesome! Thanks for the post, you have allowed me to start my day with a smile.

  4. middleagedcrazywoman

    You should see some of the damage I’ve done on sewing projects… no wait – you can’t, because they have been destroyed. Before any witnesses caught sight of them. Because I’m just that cowardly.

    So, on that note – congrats. Not only did you do something nice for your daughter (who really doesn’t care what it looks like as it’s for her, you made it for her and it’s soft) but you had the courage to show it. Way cool!


  5. What you lack in “crafting talent” you overwhelmingly make up for with your “writing talent”…Sally’s going to love these blogs someday. 🙂

  6. Hilarious!!!

  7. I too laughed so hard I was crying! Awesome work…she’ll love it for years to come, and now I don’t feel so alone with some of my crafting flops. 😉

  8. This is great. Like a jellyfish. I want one!

  9. It reminds me of my grandma’s shower caps that she’d wear to bed each night so she wouldn’t ruin her hair do before the next appointment.

  10. We should get together and collaborate, Summer. When I wing it, it always works out. But when I use patterns and recipes, I end up with giant diaphragms too – which can be embarrassing if it’s supposed to be a cake.

    Then again, maybe we shouldn’t collaborate. Our endeavours might implode. Which would ALSO be embarrassing if it’s a cake.

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