The Itsy Bitsy Spider


They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. I wish I’d had a camera when “the hugest spider” Sally ever saw visited us a few days ago. My sketches will have to do. (Note: I am not a trained artist, if you can believe that. Stunning, I know.)

I was doing Sally's hair in the downstairs bathroom. The Do: Levitating Bow, which I'm getting better at.

I did not see our newest house guest drop and hover six inches from my head.

...Until I turned to grab the spray bottle of water. Being in "mom mode" is a funny thing, though. It enables us to lift automobiles off our children, and also to avoid swearing when a horrid, disgusting creature appears directly in front of our faces.

He looked like this. Yes, poised with a bottle of toxins and the dangling guts from his last victim. And dripping blood from his fangs. He looked EXACTLY like that. So I calmly scooted Sally's stool a foot away from him. And then, naturally, I said "Sally, check out who came to visit us!"

This is what happened.

And then this. As she scrambled up the stairs she yelled "I'm telling Daddy! I'm telling Daddy! AHHHHH!" Oh, so Daddy is the savior? Stupid dads, always getting to jump in and save the day while we get stuck yelling at everyone to turn off the video games and go to bed.

I had time to contemplate everything as I lay on the floor, with what I thought was a hairbrush but now appears to look more like a saw. Sally saved herself and sacrificed me, knocking me over as she fled the scene.

The spider thought it was awesome. Then he disappeared before Savior Daddy could kill him.

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11 responses to “The Itsy Bitsy Spider

  1. Hysterical! My favorite part is when the spider is dangling over you, clearly chillaxing enough to say “‘sup?”

  2. You’re a better artist than you think your are dude. I don’t lie about this stuff. ; )

  3. naughtynappies

    I LOVE IT! You are awesome!

  4. I personally like that when Sally freaks out at seeing the spider, her hair goes up into a CROWN. So like her to remember her princessly station in the face of crisis – such aplomb.

  5. Amanda Onstott

    I see a book in your future.

  6. Admit it, Mr. Embee did the drawings…I never saw the Summer I know draw like that!

  7. This is GREAT! Write and “illustrate” your book, I can’t wait!
    🙂

  8. "PoP"/G-father

    Sounds like Mr. Embee might have been a little slow on the uptake…overly cautious…or was he just trying to find and load his handy-dandy internet space ranger hyperbolic extra special insect killer? I know he has one from woot.com!

  9. Hilarious! My wife, like Sally, would do the same thing -arachnids or otherwise, she always calls for back-up. We took care of a friend’s bearded dragon and at one point about 12 crickets (lunch meal) escaped. She found them scattered around the living room. I get home and find about 12 plastic containers of all sorts upside down with weights to hold the containers over the crickets….as if they could really push the plastic containers off their backs.

    Sorry for the scare Sally. 🙂

  10. middleagedcrazywoman

    BWAHAHAHAHA! I don’t know what is better – your reaction or your daughter’s!!

    Man, I sooooo needed that laugh.

    Isn’t great how your kids will throw you to the wolves to save their souls? Gotta love it!

    M

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