Letter to Bathing Suit and Bra Designers


Dear bathing suit and bra designers,

After my experience trying on your products recently, I would like to thank you for making it clear to me why marijuana should be legal in California. I know you’ll agree, as you must be on drugs to have put these garments together and there is simply no way a sober person could appreciate the talent that has gone into these items. I did research in advance, in an attempt to learn which styles and colors would most flatter my body type. It turns out that thanks to your hard work, this was unnecessary. Every bathing suit — and I tried on at least a dozen before collapsing from emotion — perfectly accented a body part. The stripes, how they take away any hint of a waist! The back, how it spooges fat! Oh, the ampleness of my breasts — all four of them thanks to the cut of your tankini top! It was truly an other-worldly experience.

Photoevent/iStockphoto

Bra makers, I have not forgotten you. All I needed was a bra to accommodate a plunging cocktail dress. But great bra designers, you know what I need before even I do. As I dug through racks of sexy, lacy bras that would work under the dress, and failed to find my size, it slowly dawned on me: I am not worthy of an attractive bra. You have determined this for me so that I may be spared any decision making. To my immediate right, separated from the lovely lingerie, was a rack of over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders. They whispered in my ear, “Summer, a lady of your circumference cannot wear sexy bras. Pick one of us, and then find a muumuu from the Mature Woman department.” Thank you, designers, for bringing reality to me in a dressing room. I’m truly unable to imagine what life would be like without you determining so much for me.

Sincerely,

Summer Embee

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10 responses to “Letter to Bathing Suit and Bra Designers

  1. good stuff, I like the site

    Mike Boozer, http://somebodyhadtosayit.com

  2. A-freakin’-men!

  3. middleagedcrazywoman

    Wow… if I didn’t know better you were with me the last time I went bathing suit shopping!! Were you? ! ?

    I hate bra or swimsuit shopping!! Like I want more shots to my self-esteem!

    M

  4. I had a different but similarly depressing experience when shopping for nursing bras. I’d been so proud of my B cup (vs my typical size A) until realizing the first two stores I visited didn’t carry my cup size because apparently all other breastfeeding women are at least a C cup and usually DD. The women working in the stores looked at me with such pity as they told me there were so few women that small that they didn’t bother stocking my size.

  5. We should all go naked instead, or wear large shirts that cover up everything. The happy medium between those is for rich people and I ain’t rich.

  6. Oh, you speaketh for me, woman!

    In fact, I believe I put myself in the hospital this week by wearing a whalebone corset style strapless number in order to showcase the sexy, breezy halter top on my anniversary.

    That lovely piece of Torquemada-inspired engineering cut under my rib cage so badly it inflamed my gall bladder.

    Pain of an outrageous amount, and a trip to the ER.

    Score one for the sadists in the lingerie industry.

    • Are you serious?! That’s commitment to a romantic anniversary. Your husband (and the lingerie industry) owe you.

  7. I really think I was born a generation too late. I could easily be a bra-burner. Come to think of it, I wonder if it really was a desire for equality that drove the bra burning or just a hatred of underwires poking and rubbing in all the wrong places…

  8. Huh. At least you have something to put in a bra. My decolletage is a pirate’s dream – I have a sunken chest.

    However, I can relate on a different level. Shoes.

    Although it always nice to be the favourite in butt-kicking contests, it’s NOT nice playing ‘ugly step sister’ as I try to cram my massive hooves into standard size shoes.

    Jimmy Choo would have little to whisper to me. He would merely point wordlessly at the racks of gumboots.

  9. You had me laughing the whole way through. So incredibly true for me too. Gotta love summer!!!ARRRGGGGHHHH!!

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