What We Need is Midol for Kids


If you are expecting a baby girl or have one who is still blissfully pre-adolescent, I apologize now because I’m about to blow the top off your dreams of having ‘sugar and spice’ in your home.

Sally has PMS. Seriously, that’s the only explanation. She’s a junior high brain trapped in a 3-year-old body. Let’s start with the obvious symptom. She’s craving chocolate like nobody’s business. I know, your kid likes chocolate, too. Not like this. This is heroin addict, grab-your-mom-by-the-shoulders, look-into-her-eyes and growl “I neeeed something chocolaty” craving.

Also, everything I say is idiotic. This may in fact be true, but until recently she didn’t care. Now she often looks at me with that special “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Who put you in charge?” look only a daughter can give. I have to really watch myself when we’re driving home from daycare. Sometimes she’s simply too angsty to talk about her day. I ask if they read any fun books about transportation (the current theme) and she’s all, “GAWH, Mom, I dunno, I guess, whatever! Leave me alone, I’m texting!”

These accessories are certified beautiful.

Okay that’s an exaggeration, but you get the idea. Her physical appearance has also become an issue. At 18 months I started offering two outfits each morning and letting her pick (a brilliant tactic I learned from other moms and that saved hours of argument with a human that spoke in 3-word sentences), but now it’s all about the Beautiful Factor. “But Mommy, this is not beautiful. I need to look beautiful.” Shoes are scrutinized for sparkle quality and for their ability to contribute to an ensemble. I’ll probably go ahead and take her to see Sex and the City 2.

And the hair. Ever since she’s had enough of it, she’s wanted one–and only one–style. One barrette, on the right side of her head. I’ve been longing for more, since a significant part of my childhood was spent either in pink spongy curlers or with my mother putting my hair into loop braids. This is a classic case of needing to be careful what I wish for. Four days ago I spent the better part of my morning figuring out what hairstyle Sally was trying to describe to me. Turned out she wanted a bow to levitate over her head. I figured out how (because I am Mother, hear me roar) and everything was fine, but sheesh.

And finally, the drama. One day she’s telling me how nobody believed she could save the planet, and how awful they all are because clearly she can. Another day she’s relaying all the arguments about who is best friends with whom. The next day she’s near tears because someone else likes her favorite color. Then she’s elated because she is going to master the game of baseball, become an astronaut and have babies–all by age 7. Next, a fight over whose bicycle is bigger nearly comes to blows. I was tragically unprepared to hit this catty girl stuff so early. But maybe all this drama means she’ll be an easy real teenager? . . . No? Figures.

Oh good, my copy of Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret just arrived. Sally will be so excited.

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12 responses to “What We Need is Midol for Kids

  1. I am dying over here!!! You are killing me! I even called Mr. Embee and told him if he hasn’t he’d better read this pronto! Thanks for the laughs…and I’m sorry 🙂

  2. This made me snort a whole bunch! My Lucy hasn’t hit the PMS stage yet (at only 18 mo) but she does have a thing for older boys.

  3. middleagedcrazywoman

    COOL!! I am so happy there another girl like my daughter around! She came OUT like that. She’s almost 11 now and I have stocked a huge pile of valium to get me thru her teen years.

    You’d figure I’d be used to it by now but… no, not so much.

    Wait till boys enter in, first they are “so STUPID Mother” and then they hit the crush stage.

    *sigh*

    M

    • We are full force in the “boys are idiotic” stage and I’m trying to enjoy it because I know the crushes are not that far off. At least I know someday she’ll be in her 30s and realize once again that boys ARE idiotic.

  4. "PoP"/G-father

    It may be time to disconnect from civilization, move to the wilderness, and let the wolves raise her from this point… Of course “Nan and PoP” will follow…with gifts.

  5. Sadly, this gets much worse before it gets better. Oh wait…it hasn’t gotten better yet. One morning last month when I presented two outfits of my own choosing to my 4-year-old daughter, I was told: ““No. People will think these look silly. Take them away.”

    Yes. You read that right. I was told to “take them away.” Every day is a new exercise in trying to guess what my little pre-pre-adolescent might think is beautiful and wondering why on earth I didn’t just drop out of college and become a famous stylist when I had the chance. At least that way, I might have a ready answer to why plaid shorts do not go with polka dot tops and striped tights.

    • Take them away. 🙂 You crack me up. I myself am wondering why I don’t invest in classes at our local beauty school, as clearly my role in life is to do hair and nails. Ugh. Good luck.

  6. I have lived through that with one daughter and the second is starting. The real killer is when they are pmsing together!

    • Oh yikes! I have two sisters, I wonder if all three of us were like this at one time. I should go thank my mom for not killing us.

  7. I can totally relate! My 3 year old has been driving me crazy lately…
    “Blue is for boooyyyys! I can’t wear blue!”

    “I want my hair down!” (we put it up and plastered it with hairspray when she went to school because of a lice epidemic that the school couldn’t seem to get rid of).

    “I don’t want that movie! I want um, I want um, I want um…”

    The list goes on! And daughter number two is close behind her 🙂

  8. Amanda Onstott

    I can hear your roar from here Mama! Love it!!

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