Holy Foods


I know a lot of people who shop at Whole Foods. I work at the intersection of yuppie and hippie–there is no escaping it. I don’t have any problem with the place, in principle, and I actually love that they have a section for “sea veggies.” Heck, their olive selection makes me giggle and clap . . . but I absolutely don’t fit in there. And Sally certainly would never find it acceptable. I shopped there in an recent emergency (read: We were out of milk and it was the only store on my route) and fully realized why I belong at Nob Hill or Safeway and not at Save the World Whole Foods.

  • I do not wear clogs.
  • I do not enjoy making excuses for why I don’t have my reusable bags with me today.
  • Bulk flax seed?
  • Their mac and cheese is not nearly orange enough for Sally’s tastes.
  • Their shopping carts are smaller than the average American dinner portion.
  • Eating exclusively organic does not make you a more highly evolved human being, nor does it make you classier than me, clog-wearer.
  • I would go broke buying fancy cheeses.
  • BuddhaDharma magazine is not a pre-register impulse buys in my book, though Sally may get excited about the netty pots.
  • I prefer not to use soap made from mud.
  • What, no pictures of Dora on the yogurt? Forget this.


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8 responses to “Holy Foods

  1. haha! we have a whole foods semi-close to where i work and i refuse to go there for many of the reasons you list! funny! “clog-wearer” = hee!

  2. Never knew you had such a thing against clogs! 😉
    Didja know they double as weaponry?

  3. What about Trader Joes ?

    • I’m cool with Joe. I think it’s the Hawaiian shirts–they calm me. I’m a little confused in that store, but I don’t feel like people are holding their breath so they don’t inhale my common odor. 🙂

  4. Really no clogs

  5. Sister, I disagree completely

    I am a whole foods person and I have no qualms about it; I can get specialty gluten-free and soy products there that don’t seriously mess up my digestive tract. It is hard to find these types of products at other stores. I shop their because my health depends on it. Many others have similar dietary problems that benefit from this type of store. Thank God for Whole Foods!

    Whole Foods is expensive, but it’s practically medicine to me. It would be nice to have affordable options at Safeway, but that’s not going to happen on a large scale anytime soon.

    Whole Foods may be uppity, but its products are NOT second rate. Whole Foods provides a great service to the community.

    • But see, you fit in. You would buy a netty pot and read BuddhaDharma magazine. There’s nothing WRONG with Whole Foods, I just totally don’t fit there.

  6. True, I already own a netty pot.

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