Hosed


I have had an unfortunate incident with spray-on nylons.

Perhaps I should have stopped at the idea of hose in a bottle. But spring was around the corner and sometimes–when I’m very tired and feeling unattractive–I believe infomercials. It’s not something I’m proud of. Anyway, I paid $19.95 for nude-colored spray that would, at best, make me look like a silky smooth leg model, and, at worst, stop the reflection of my neon legs from interfering with air traffic. I couldn’t lose! I stashed it in the bathroom and waited for a 72-degree day, because who has time for a trial run.

This week, it happened. Warm sun, birds singing and women everywhere breaking out of the black for colorful skirts. At my 6 a.m. wake-up call (at which time, it should be noted, I can barely put pants on my legs) I grabbed my Aqua Net for Limbs and headed for the shower.

I fold myself in half in our shower that was built for 9-foot-tall stick bugs, shake the can “vigorously,” and spray. The initial blast shocked me such that I bolted upright, smacking my skull on the cold water knob. When I regained consciousness, I ignored the orange blotch on my thigh and tried again. After carefully spraying six inches from my legs in a steady, vertical pattern, then smoothing with my fingers PER INSTRUCTIONS, my legs certainly were no longer pasty. No, sir. My legs looked exactly how they would if I’d let Sally finger paint them with Burnt Sienna.

Awesome.

I smooth more. And more. It’s no use. I have a tragic skin disorder now. One foot looks like a transplant from someone who lived on carrot juice; a calf looks like CSI just dusted for fingerprints. I will be publicly shunned.

But it’s late and I’ve got to get three people out of the house, so there’s no time to call the company and threaten to burn down their headquarters. I get out of the dry shower and turn around to close the door, only to see the entire stall covered in a perfect layer of silky smooth horrifyingly rust-colored nude spray-on stockings. Which does not come off under spray of water.

Several choice phrases later, I make a mental note to scrub the tile. But as often happens, I forget to tell my husband about the minor snafu, and shortly after, Mr. Embee screams out in horror because he’s fairly certain someone has bled out in our shower.

Three days later, I’ve spent two precious morning showers scrubbing this awful stuff off the floor of the shower (once with a brillo pad) with little improvement. It did, however, come off my legs as promised, with soap and water. I glow in the dark once again. The Mr., to his credit, has not complained about my legs or the shower’s death stain.

I actually would try the product again to try and improve my technique, but even if I achieve perfect legs, I couldn’t show them off because I’d be home scrubbing the bathroom. My only viable option is to venture, nude, into the yard at night. And I think the home owner’s association would frown on that. So screw it. Put on your sunglasses, hide anyone with epilepsy. Casper is putting on a skirt.

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11 responses to “Hosed

  1. Hi. I just happened upon your blog one day and it made me LOL (literally). Thank you for adding a morsel of humor to my day. Sorry about your shower :).

  2. Ohmygoodness! This made me laugh so hard! Because ya know what? I’m a fellow Casper and have tried that spray leg tan horribleness too, with the same results!!! A pale girl just can’t win! Thanks for the laugh on a gloomy Monday.

  3. You are a brave woman for trying that stuff! I, too, am a very pale skinned (almost see-through) person. Not even lying in the sun for hours works. I just throw on the shorts and go.

    I can commiserate on the shower stall. When I dye my hair (I’m too cheap to go to a salon), depending on what color I’ll have that time, my shower is either a scene from Friday the 13th or it looks like I was inked by a giant octopus. 😀

  4. LOL! I’m a huge believer in the Hollywood Tans spray-on machine. Before trying it I figured it had to work somewhat decently because otherwise the orange people walking out of their establishments would scare off customers. It only works for 4-5 days and costs $30 a pop, but it really does take the edge off – good before a trip somewhere warm (or a friend’s wedding in Vegas)!

  5. Jennifer Lovold

    HILARIOUS!

  6. I am also, at times, blinded by infomercials. Frightening! Thanks for sharing your mishaps and mostly, for being able to laugh at yourself so well.

  7. This is pure comedy!

  8. LOL Dont worry girl not everyone has a nice natural tan including myself plus you tried and it didnt work so BF but on those sunglasses.

  9. 3 Words… Mr. Clean Eraser
    It will work on the shower (and legs, if needed).

  10. This is why I remain in pants and wear fancy jewelry to make me feel good. Next time I want to feel good I will read your blog!

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