16 Ways Husband and Child Can Give Mommy a New Twitch

  • Take a dirty plate into the kitchen and teeter it on the smelly stuff already in the sink.
  • Tell her you want another baby.
  • Tell her you don’t want another baby.
  • When asked if she looks like she’s still pregnant in this outfit, pause before answering. Squint. Then say no.
  • If she stays at home, ask what she does all day.
  • If she works, ask what she does all day.
  • Shove the pile of mail and toys just far enough down the couch that you can sit down. Let a few things fall onto the floor. Do not pick them up.
  • Ask what’s for dinner.
  • Yell “Mommy, change your shirt! I don’t like that one!” Mommy may elect to stand her ground but she’ll walk around all day wondering if her kid has a point.
  • Tell her you don’t like eggs after she’s made them per your request.
  • Cry so hard you barf.
  • Put magnets on everything metal in the house.
  • Shout “watch my magic trick” every 35 seconds: Perform some basic physical skill you mastered six months ago.
  • Stick something up your nose. Really far.
  • Take your underwear off but don’t tell Mommy. Expose yourself at the park.
  • Eat boogers.

33 responses to “16 Ways Husband and Child Can Give Mommy a New Twitch

  1. Oh, you’re good. I just stumbled upon “16 Ways…” and was so vastly amused I had to peruse the rest of your site. You are the LOL funny and pithy writer I strive to be! I’m going to share the link on Twitter and can’t wait for your next entry.

    PS. I’m with you on the Bertolli pasta dinners; and my 10yr old cried so hard he barfed just last week after we had a wrestling match over the two-days-worth sweaty/dirty shorts he refused to take off because he wanted to wear them as pj’s.

  2. LOL Both my husband and I laughed our butts off! We both feel your pain, as, apparently, we’re both guilty of a few mentioned above. He’d love it if I would stop removing my underwear and exposing myself; I’d love it if he’d stop eating boogers, especially other peoples. Just kidding (at least about the boogers). Great blog!

  3. hi, I just was given a twitch… I walk by the restroom and my 4 year old is standing in front of the toilet, and I hear some strange splashing… what are you doing there? playing he said!
    luckily it was not what I thought first… he had the cover down and had filled a clean bucket with water and was playing with his ship-toys… I love your blog 🙂

  4. My kids do some of that stuff and they are approaching 30. I guess there’s no hope.
    Fun blog.

  5. These are great–I swear I can hear my husband’s voice as I read them! While I don’t have kids, I do have students and can very well replace some of these to fit my day. Thanks for the laugh!

  6. Carrie's mom ( and a few others)

    This is good Summer, and you have only one child!
    Bet I could add to to this list if I tried, but on second thought some things are better off left unsaid, or to the imagination, or all that rolled together…..

  7. hahahahah you always make me laugh what a great way to start my week

  8. one of those made me guffaw!!

  9. Bwahaha! So good, I had to forward to my HunHun! Lol.. Off to check the rest of your writings!

  10. So you ended up being just a mother.

    Just another mother, like a chimp, a cow, an elephant, a whale, just another mother, like an insect, or an octopus, or a worm. Just another mother.

    Your kids will not thank you, your husband will not like you, your own mother will pity you for making her own same mistake.

    Just another mother.

    For a moment of frenzy, of uterine voracity, irrational and irreversible, you destroyed your body, your beauty, and your own intellect.

    Parental-brain-atrophy-syndrome, where your brain biologically adjusts to the need of your infants, descending at their own subhuman level, with just one dimension, food, or perhaps two dimensions, food and feces.

    You left your ambitions, your achievements, your potentials outside your life and outside the lives of those who really loved, only to become a receptacle of an unknown body of an unknown person that never will be yours, and to whom you will never belong. Strangers united in a pool of blood and dirt.

    And dirt has become your life, and your life has become dirt. Urine, remains of food, excrements, diapers, vacuum cleaners, old soap, crusts, a life of dandruff and diseases, vaccine and lice, high school and drool.

    You lost your dignity through your open legs, first inwards and then outwards, first-in-first-out, garbage-in-garbage-out, a boomerang of boredom.

    Do you remember who you were?

    Do you realize your loss?

    Nobody chooses prison voluntarily, except for mothers, except for you.

    You chose the life of a slave in a cavern of dirt.

    People around you, who know that you are just another mother, do have compassion for you, but no respect. They know all about your emptiness, your pain, your despair, all dressed in the robes of a Virgin Mary.

    And a Virgin Mary you are not, because Mary was not a Virgin, and you are not a Mary.

    You were manipulated into just another life wasted on the heap of trash of a lost humanity dedicated to popular procreation and proletarian proliferation, to please the leaders of a domain of plebeians.

    The world lost you, and you lost the world.

    Good bye, ugly mother, good bye, old cow, with dried-out utters and distorted hips, good bye, and so alone you will die.

  11. I’m dying to know how many of these your husband did. Because I can see most going both ways.

  12. I highly recommend avoiding the one where you shove something up your nose: it could hit your brain and cause some serious damage.

  13. LOL tell her you want a baby lol thats funny

  14. This was so funny! I loved it!

  15. Saw this on the front page, too funny!! I liked the one about ask what’s for dinner, I get that almost daily times 5!! Especially on days when I’m still trying to figure it out.

  16. Oh, I’ve got one for you! Husband gives small child a large horseshoe magnet and tells him to “go see what you can find that’s magnetic”. Small child puts it on the television screen which then goes green and won’t degausse. $1500 for a new tv? Priceless. 🙂

    Thanks for the laugh today, Summer! 🙂


  17. Pretty cute! (Where did you get those cool purple shades for your daughter?)

    And the scary part?

    Some of that same material would still work when you’ve got teens…

  18. Here’s a tip of the hat to your brilliance 😉

    Just to add to all the fun…

    Mother: (to precocious, pre-teen son taunting his younger sisters) “You’d better stop right now or else.”

    Son: (to mother taunting as he begins to feel his oats for the first time) “Or else what?”

    Mother: (fighting back rage) “You little son-of-a-bitch.”

    Son: (irony of his comeback completely lost on him) “Well, mom, that’s not speaking very highly of you now is it? “(Everything goes white with a brilliant flash and a faint ringing is heard off in the distance).

    New husband to new mom: “But all the other new moms at work seem to find the time to get everything done.”

    Brand new mom (like less than a month) to new husband: “How dare you walk in here and look at me as if you have something to say? Go ahead, say it. Just shut up, I don’t want to hear it anyway, the sound of your voice will just make me puke. Well, what are you going to do just sit there looking at me with that stupid grin on your face? Answer me!”

    (New dad gently kisses her forehead and backs out of the room slowly.)

  19. Even though I am a husband, I can relate. Been there and done that while being there. Especially the ones where either answer is the wrong answer… or would that be the right answer?

  20. Ha! I have to remember these and help my kids give my wife a new twitch.

    My son’s trick was to put on his Superman red underwear over his black sweats, wear a long t-shirt and show and tell me proudly while out shopping. Stupid me, didn’t notice until it was way too late.

    Really, this was hilarious. Thanks.

  21. Those are awful things to do to your mom/wife!!

  22. Oh God. I’m in for more twitches aren’t I?

  23. “Take a dirty plate into the kitchen and teeter it on the smelly stuff already in the sink.” NICE :]]!

  24. This is making many people smile and laugh (me too). Can you make something similar for boyfriend to girlfriend and vice-versa? It can be series.

  25. WTH is up with “ed” up there?

  26. I absolutely LOVE your blog — I noticed on the “freshly pressed” page, and I couldn’t help going back and reading your past entries.. Look forward to reading more! 🙂

  27. #17 – Say you are “starving” when being tucked in at night.

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