Think Skinny Thoughts

Diet food sucks. I’m trying to lose weight for my college reunion. And now I’ve just ruined everything because none of you will see me and go “Oh God she’s held it together really well for 10 years!” Instead you’ll go “Oh God and she LOST weight? Yikes, what’d the walrus look like three months ago?”

Anyway, I’ve been finding lots of low-calorie recipes with which to torture Mr. Embee. Sally is spared, to a degree. She’s allowed to spit the food back out and eat a quesadilla instead. But the Mr., he has to choke it down and mutter something about how the chip-free, cheese-free nachos taste just like the real thing. He’s a good guy, he doesn’t want to upset me in my starvation-induced headachy state when I present botched low-fat tuna casserole. Lucky for me he’s pretty hardcore about not wasting food, no matter what percentage of it is cardboard. Although when I think about it, he should eat it without complaint: he’s the one who impregnated me and made me fat in the first place.

At least the recipes usually look attractive. The frozen diet entrees are pretty hideous. Swedish meatballs come out of the microwave like four hairballs covered in sludge with a few pieces of overcooked fettucine tossed in for kicks. And I lick that baby clean because it’s all I’m getting to eat for hours. The pizza dishes are by far the best, though even with them I’m not sure which has more flavor, the pizza or its box. I’d eat both but that would add too many calories and force me to work out longer.

I think it’s especially difficult for me to lose weight because, you see, I can be very creative with the laws of food. For example, I have long believed that chocolate chips don’t count toward your total calorie intake because they are an ingredient, not food unto themselves. Also, Thai food is an essential part of a balanced diet. I cannot be expected to cut it from my life without serious repercussions . . . bone loss, probably. And sushi — sushi is raw and therefore takes more energy to digest. Right.

Okay, I’ve got to stop talking about this. It’s making me incredibly hungry and according to my food diary all I’m allowed right now is a big mug of steam.

But I’m going to do it–lose the weight, I mean–even if it means I have to eat like I’m down to the last can of beans in a blizzard. I vow to be down to two chins at that reunion.


2 responses to “Think Skinny Thoughts

  1. I’m right there with you! Having a refreshing cup of steam right now!

  2. Mrs. Embee, you are so funny. 🙂 I just heard about a new fad: olive oil, nuts, avocado, olives, chocolate. Doesn’t that sound yummy! Although, the amount I’d have to eat to keep from starving might cancel out any benefits.

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