SkyMall. There is no novel more compelling, no comedian more entertaining. It is my favorite part of air travel. Products so outrageously stupid that even the people hawking them know their only hope of a sale is to people made delusional by breathing recycled air at 30,000 feet.
In case you haven’t perused said catalogue in a while, I give you the Fall 2009 highlights:
X5: The Next Generation of Laser Hair Therapy — As far as I can tell from the patented technology description, this laser orb turns your balding husband into a (very sexy, of course) Wooly Willy.
The Indoor Dog Restroom — Because who doesn’t want doo-doo in the living room?
The “Keep Your Distance” Bug Vacuum — Okay, actually I’m going to dog-ear this page. It’s a two-foot translucent tube that allows you to watch while you suck insects to an oxygen-deprived death. Awesome.
The 40 Second Electric Toothbrush — Reduces brushing time by 66 percent! Gosh, whatever will I do with my extra 80 seconds?
Voice Activated R2 D2 — Just ’cause.
7′ x 7′ crossword puzzle wallpaper — Sadly, a few of you just got a little excited. I’m not sure you should be reading my drivel: try the New Yorker.
The Zombie of Montclaire Moors Statue — Expect to see it in my garden in six to eight weeks. Right next to the Bigfoot Garden Yeti Sculpture I’m putting on layaway.
Nighttime Bunion Regulator — I’m thinking Christmas presents.
Mail Chime — Don’t you hate not knowing precisely when the mail has arrived? You need the Mail Chime! Sounds a tone and flashes a light so you know when your mail is here. Could save you from walking whole feet to an empty mailbox.
Giant Cupcake Pan — Eight vertical inches of love. Okay, some things in SkyMall are totally legit.