Please Have Your Boarding Pass Ready


I don’t get out much these days. So when I do travel, I find I notice the details more. I’m happy to report that not much has changed over the past few years.

Nobody has bothered to fix automatic toilets. By the time I wedge me and my carry-ons into the airport bathroom stall, the thing has already flushed three times. Then, naturally, it won’t flush when I want it to, so I have to kick the manual flusher while balancing my weight on a rolling suitcase. I always feel bad about those toilets. Some poor engineer thought he was making the restroom more pleasurable and efficient and it turns out he was a huge failure.

The airport bathroom sink turns on while I am still about seven feet away from the water. I lurch to catch it (since whole lakes are now depleted what with all the flushing) and watch four other sinks turn on as a woman walks past them all. Clearly auto-toilet guy and overzealous sink guy were in the same PhD program.

Things are still so bad on planes that when we cattle are offered a selection of peanuts, 100-calorie-bags of Oreos AND cheese and crackers, we ooh and ahh like we are at a five-star restaurant. However, as you reach for these gourmet snacks you risk losing precious armrest ground. Airplane armrest territory wars are a serious problem. I think each aisle should be equipped with a coin. Before the flight you flip the coin and that determines whether the three of you are going right or left. Everyone gets one armrest. Yes, some lucky aisle or window person will hit the jackpot and get two but at least the sad prisoner in the middle seat will get the three inches of elbow space due her.

I like trying hotel shampoos and lotions. They’re always interesting scents and I’m generally an unscented kind of girl. At home I walk out of the bathroom smelling like soap. On vacation I emerge as an extra-Vente Starbucks experiment: vanilla berry white tea latte, anyone?

I like that diets do not apply on vacation. You eat whatever you want and you eat it all because in this case you don’t know where your next meal is coming from. And even though you know that’s not how that statement was meant to be used, you use it anyway.

Yes, everything is much the same. Including the fact that we are still allowed to wear clothes on planes. If you’d asked me six years ago, I would have sworn by 2009 we’d be enjoying Naked Flights. It seemed the direction FAA security was headed. Of course then we’d need automatic plane seat cleaners, and Lord knows we need someone better than auto-toilet guy to build those. Perhaps in a few more years.

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2 responses to “Please Have Your Boarding Pass Ready

  1. I HATE it when the toilet flushes before I even sit down. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that that happens to!

  2. Wait until you travel with your little one and you have to do all of that AND cover the censor so it won’t “flush” her!!! If you are thinking that it won’t happen to you and your child is of the extra brave fearless variety, don’t worry some “friend” or children’s program will teach her to be afraid!

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