My Husband Is Worst Parent of the Month

Photo: frhuynh/Stockvault.net

Mr. Embee had the award for “worst parent of the month” all wrapped up on the first day of November. You think I’m exaggerating things because he has that pesky Y chromosome and I’m harder on those people, but NO. He agrees. Worst Parent, November 2010, goes to Mr. Embee.

Sally and the Mr. talk about all sorts of things on their morning drive to school–how the air conditioner works, how many stripes there are on the American flag, why we burp, etc. This Monday, the day before elections, there were lots of people on street corners holding signs that said things like “Vote Joe Schmo for city councilman” and “No on Prop. 593.” Sally is highly entertained by people who enthusiastically wave signs on the street. So they got to talking, and the Mr., who is actually a mutant being born with a super-enlarged sarcasm gland, says: “We should roll down the windows and yell ‘Get a job.’ “

Even when he heard the bzzzzzz of the backseat window rolling down, it didn’t occur to him that 4-year-olds don’t GET sarcasm.

Imagine, if you will: You are holding your sign for your beloved gubernatorial candidate. You are feeling pride that in your country you can stand up for what you believe, right there on the street. And this SUV’s window rolls down to reveal a bright-eyed, blonde preschooler with bows in her hair and a chubby-cheeked smile. And she screams, “GET A JOB!”

Mr. Embee nearly ran off the road.

Mortified, he had to explain that he was kidding and that was NOT a nice thing to say. Sally, considering this, replies, “Well, maybe they SHOULD get a job. There are plenty of jobs they could do.” So he has to explain that actually, no, right now there are not enough jobs for everyone, and anyway most of those people probably do have jobs but they’ve taken a day off to be involved in our election and that’s a nice thing, and either way we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. All the while checking his rear view mirror to make sure nobody is chasing them.

He swears they were past any people and that nobody heard her. I hope that’s the case. At any rate, I’m just glad that for once I am not the worst parent. Congratulations, darling. You win.

Career Aspirations

Some days, Sally wants to be an astronaut. Other days, she wants to be the guy who dresses up as a sandwich and waves to people on the street. Today was a sandwich guy day. So naturally, being mom of the year, I nurtured her dreams. Behold:

Sally's idol and mentor. Photo: Lefty91/flickr

Officially making us the crazy family on the street.

That's my kid. On the corner. Waving to cars.

America’s Most Stressful Jobs . . . Whatever

Photo: jfairone/iStockphoto

It seems that the people down at CareerCast.com have looked at 200 professions and decided on America’s Most Stressful Jobs for 2010. I read the list twice, and didn’t find “parent” on there. Weird.

Sorry, public relations officer (Really. Number 8.) but I think I can trump you. I mean, you DO get to pee whenever you want, don’t you? Alone? That’s what I thought.

My paid job has stressful times–I’ve been called an idiot for what I’ve written, been thrown out of a plane (okay, I jumped), I’ve written obituaries for people who aren’t dead–but since having a kid, work mostly seems like a vacation. If I were a stay-at-home mom I’d be rocking in the fetal position in the corner of the kitchen most days. I can’t handle the stress, the pressure, the constant “Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? SUMMER!” Parenting is a freaking hard job.

Now, most of the jobs on this list are totally worthy of being there. Highway patrol officer ranks No. 7. I get that, it’s dangerous. The report says “They face many hazards, such as high-speed chases. . . .” I’m just arguing that parents face many of the same stressful situations. Last week I saw a dad bolt like lightning after his escaped 2 year old, catching him 18 inches from a downward-bound escalator. Now that is a high-speed chase. And he couldn’t even arrest the culprit!

Commercial pilot also tops the list. Those cockpits do have a lot of buttons. Not to mention your office is called a cockpit. Clearly there is something bad about that job the rest of us aren’t privy to.

Number 3 is taxi driver. Parents are taxi drivers. And nurses, and maids . . .

Number 1? Firefighter. Again, don’t get me wrong, I love firemen (particularly the ones I met during my bachelorette party, but that’s a story for another day), but here again the humor of the ranking is in the details. The report says “Firefighters frequently work irregular or unusual hours, or remain on call throughout the night.” Yesssss, very stressful, isn’t it? Especially when it’s EVERY NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.

So clearly the true winner of the most stressful job contest should be Firefighter Moms. But just for kicks, let’s evaluate parenting on a few of CareerCast’s 21 criteria.

Hours per day: Uh, 24 hours, seven days a week, 365 days per year for at least 18 years.

Physical and emotional environment: Well, let’s see, most of my time is spent on the floor. There’s quite a bit of crying. Sometimes the girl “clients” very dramatically hate boys at preschool. Will there be a separate question for lactation?

Income: I just laughed so hard I snorted.

Opportunity for advancement: Is this counted in number of kids? Or quality of Mother’s Day gifts? Let’s just say the opportunity is low.

Stress (ie, confinement, tools used, lifting required, stamina required): Yes on all counts. Don’t forget completing homework; wondering if kids are getting good nutrition, sleep, education; administering eye drops; rectal thermometers; dating; driving; college admissions. Whew, let’s all take a panic attack break.

Perceived Risk of Unemployment: You’ve got us there, CareerCast. Pretty sure nobody wants to take over for us. Though if we do our job well we do eventually work ourselves out of a career.

Okay, add them up, divide by 7, carry the 1 . . . Oh look! We win! The most stressful job in the world, according to Mom-Colored Glasses, is parenting. I feel better now.

Nine classes you would have taken in college if you’d had a clue what life as a new parent would be like:

1. Modern barf

2. Torture 101: Surviving sleep deprivation

3. Poop chemistry

4. Toddler Behavior: Introduction to drama

5. Lab: Orifice-object separation

6. History, Your Life Is

7. Weight training

8. Debate 200: Defeating the English learner

9. Refresher course: Sex for people who used to care about it