Short Stuff

“My mommy didn’t get a flu shot, but I DID get a flu shot, so my mommy got the flu and I didn’t. She should have gotten a flu shot. But she didn’t. …She didn’t.”

Me: “Why are you so cranky?” Her: “I don’t know! I just am! My body is cranky and I can’t stop it even though I want to! ARRGGGHHH!”

“Mommy, how you say goodnight in Spanish is ‘la cucaracha.’ “

“I don’t think I can go to swimming lessons today. I only have five energies. It’s not enough.”

“I really need some new toys because I don’t have enough.” (Said while literally surrounded by toys.)

Regarding the iPad: “This is the most goodest thing ever.”

“I like kisses the best because they’re like little hearts coming out of your mouth.”

Her: “Was that [thing I said] funny?” Mr.: “Uh, yes, yes, it was.” Her: “No it wasn’t.”

“Today we’re going in the sprinklers [at daycare] because it’s hot. Do you get to do sprinklers at work, Mommy, or do you want to come with me?”

“Oh, those wicked witches. They’re always getting people.”

“I can’t wait to turn 4. Except . . . then I will be closer to being dead.”

“Mommy, it’s Hawaiian. HO-WHY-IN. Okay?”

Actual conversation with 3-year-old: “Mommy, can I watch 20 more minutes of TV?” “You can watch 5.” “15.” “10 and that’s my final offer.” “Ugh. Deal.”

Every night we talk about our favorite and hardest parts of the day. When I said my hardest part of the day was that my friend was very sad, Sally suggested: “Why don’t you get her a nice sausage? And put it on a plate. But not a plate you still use–one you don’t need anymore. Maybe a sausage on a plate will make her happy.”

Her: “Dora [the Explorer] is a genius.” Dad: “Am I a genius?” Her: “No.”

“Oooh, I like that green car.” (Car is crazy teal.) “When I am bigger I will have a green car and a yellow car and I will drive away by myself.”

Sally: “I will marry Barack Obama.” Me: “Oh, well, that’s not a bad choice. But he already has a wife.” Sally: “Well maybe he will want a new one.”

Sometimes you need to be happy with what you have. Sally almost never cuddles with her dad. It’s just not her thing. Recently, the Mr. and  I were discussing how a friend’s child had backtracked on potty training and peed on a bunch of stuff, including the parents. Mr.: “Awh, how nice that M sits on her daddy’s lap.” Sally: “She peed.”

“Mommy, I am not growing when you pick me up. You don’t need to go ‘ughhh’.”

So Sally, do you have any New Year’s resolutions? (quick explanation of what that is…) Sally: “You mean like learn to be an astronaut?” Me: “Uh, yeah, kinda like that.” Sally: “Okay, I will learn that for New Ear Restitution.”

“Mommy, today is happy new ear.” “Yep, Happy New Year! It’s fun, isn’t it?” “Yes. Mommy, tomorrow do we get the other ear?”

“TOUCHDOWN! Go red guys! Get the ball!”

“Mommy, will you come up here while I go to sleep, because I like you and I love you. Mommy, why did you marry Daddy only one time?” “Because you only get married once.” “Well, I’m going to get married three times because I’m 3.”

Upon my completion of a coloring book page: “Oh, well done, Mommy!”

“Mommy, dogs can scare bad monsters away, right? Maybe I should get a dog to keep me safe in my room.”

Her: “If you do not do what I say, I’m going to call the police officers and then I’m going to call Cruella De Vil, and Ursula and Maleficent, and they will put you in jail!” Me: “How are you going to call them?” Her: “I know their phone numbers. I will call them on my pink phone.” …I should be angry with her but it’s just too funny.

“Mommy, I’m the princess and you are the shiny normer.” …After much questioning, shiny normer = knight in SHINING ARMOR.

“Sometimes you have a wedgie, sometimes you don’t have a wedgie.”

“First I will go to preschool, then middle school, then high school, then college, then I will find a Daddy and then I will have a baby!”

First sex question, 2 3/4 years: “That lady with the purple shirt and the baby in her tummy. . . . Did she eat something and then there is a baby in her tummy?”

“Daddy, stop hearing my music!”

Guilt trip: “Mommy, do you want me to go away? Do you want me to live in another house? Do you want me to go in the river?”

“Mommy, that swing is invisible.” “Do you mean available?” “Yes, that’s what I said, INVISIBLE.”

“You can’t sing, Mommy.”

Maleficent, after Sleeping Beauty pricks her finger on the spinning wheel: “You simple fools! Thinking you could defeat ME, the mistress of all evil!” Sally’s recitation of the monologue: “You simple fools! Thinking you feet ME, the mister of all weebles!”

“Can you talk quieter? I can’t hear my show!”

After seeing a picture of a stagecoach and learning that they carried people around long ago before there were cars… “Mommy, when you was little did YOU ride in that?”

At daycare, in front of AM’s dad: “AM wasn’t bugging me today.”

At gymnastics, with same AM: “I like AM. He still bugs me but he didn’t bug me in class.”

Sally: “Are they married?” Me: “Yes.” Sally: “How does you get married? Do you go in an elevator and come out a beautiful married?” After hearing lengthy explanation of courtship and weddings, Sally: “I will get married, too. But I have to grow REALLY big first.” Me: “Who are you going to marry?” Sally: “You.”

“Mommy, I think I need to go to the potty, because something is coming out of my butt.”

“The music is too loud—I can’t hear my Play Doh.”

“I still have a stuffy nose. Probably chocolate milk will make me feel better.”

2-year-old in front of TV: “Mommy, I NEED money!” Me: “Um…why?” Her: “I need $19.95 for the TV!”

Note: A ziplock bag forgotten in a hot car for 24 hours is still leak proof but NOT odor proof. I say nothing more except: Sally’s portable potty seat uses ziplock bags.

Me: “You need to get a good night’s rest.” Sally: “Yes. It’s a lot of work playing.”

Sally, 2 1/2: “Who put my toys away?” Mommy: “I did.” Sally, with furrowed brow and pointing finger: “Don’t do that! That makes me ANGRY and SAD when my toys are not here.”

Me: “What do you think of the [Rodin] sculptures?” Sally, 2 1/2: “They’re pretty good.”

Sally, 2 1/2: “That REAL queen [of England] should come over to my house.” Mommy: “We would have to REALLY clean every room if she was coming over, and you’d probably have to become the president. Do you want to be president?” Sally: “No, I’m just Sally. And I’m a pretend pig.”

Figures of speech that your toddler will take literally and be slightly disturbed by: “Keep your eyes out” and “I have a song stuck in my head.”

Upon leaving to get my haircut, Sally: “No, don’t cut your hair! Leave it CRAZY!”

After reading a book about ballerinas, Me: “Do you think about ballet when you go to sleep?” Sally, 2: “No.” Me: “What do you think about?” Sally: “Salami.”